(This piece has appeared before. It is still a good one to revisit).
What if I really took complete responsibility and accepted that I am the chief architect in creating and holding in place everything that is going on in my life, good, bad or indifferent? What if I truly begin to believe that the state of my consciousness is the most powerful influence to change that? What if I also acknowledged that there are stuff (people, situations, conditions) in my life that fall in categories ranging from ‘oh-I-don’t-really-care-for-that’ going all the way down to ‘I-hate-that’ and ‘that-must-be-squashed-killed-driven-out-banished-from-my-life’? What if I took to heart that I purposely put those things there, so I could evolve on a fast track?
Would my life look different? Feel different? Something to ponder upon, really. I did.
I noticed that Johnny Doolittle with whom I have been really mad for what feels like a century, because he is sooooo negative, downright lazy and will of course never ever change, is now winking at me with the question dancing in the air ‘have you ever been lazy and negative? And have you forgiven yourself for it?’
And that job that I reluctantly drag myself to every Monday morning (gotta pay my bills, you know), the one that suffocates me with the deadlines, timelines, reviews and my monster boss breathing down my neck? Why did I put that there? My inner guide descends from some esoteric realm, stands leaning on the doorpost, cool as a cucumber and says, “Good question, kid. At last you are learning to ask the right ones. Now just wait for the answer.”
The answers are bitter pills to begin with. I never trusted my creative expression. Not for a moment did I let myself believe what I really love doing can and will pay my bills. I let someone else take the risk and the responsibility. I was willing to tag along, toe the line. Everyone needs a job, that’s what people do and so did I and worked hard for others. Become a slave to someone else’s creative organization. And now my spirit is suffocatiing and pleading me to get out. Deep breath.
That I am still here must mean I have yet to prepare myself to take that responsibility. My spirit is standing by, reminding me everyday that’s what I must do…….. that’s what I must do. Meanwhile I am so grateful to the folks I work for that they take the risk, they create a place where I can come and give my hours in exchange of my rent and other bills. One of these days, I have promised myself, I will be working at a place that I enjoy. I am getting ready.
And what about this relationship? What about this partner of mine who was going to make me happy on all counts, support and love me forever? Why do we keep getting into these unpleasant entanglements? Why am I still here? Why do I hang on to him, and he to me? It’s old habit, you say? No?
Old habit, may be, but when did I lose sight of love. I made him such a part of me that now I take him for granted every moment, as I do my hands and feet. My eyes and teeth. When he shovels the snow, paints the basement, replaces the window, fixes the furnace ….. oh of course he is supposed to do that, isn’t he the guy? But why won’t he also do all this other stuff which really I would like to do but don’t have the guts, the conviction or the wherewithal to go and do by myself? Like learning to dance…….. I’d leave in a heartbeat but for the fact thet he pays half the mortgage and I don’t make that much money.
The truth I am trying to accept here is that I am solely responsible for creating this too. Aaaaargh!!!
And how would I change it if I lose sight of love? Isn't that the juice? My inner guide is still leaning on doorpost snickering away, “You are getting it, kid, don’t stop now!!”
Hmmm. Through the eyes of love again then, I guess, it is time to see it all through the eyes of love. Nothing and no one can be take for granted any more. Not their job to make me feel better. No one else is responsible. So thank you, and you and you and you. Thank you today for who you are, what you do and what you add to my life.
Thank you also for what feels like you are taking away without equally returning the favor. Thanks for the reminder. That I am still here must only mean I am utterly blind to the compensation, because I have so taken it for granted. Energies must necessarily be in some degree of balance in order to let the situation exist.
Whew!!! The head spins. Awareness is the first step to making changes. I am. I will. It is set in motion. It is my life and I am the creator.
Malabika
Your Energy Resources Guide
Creating the ability to see Wholeness
4 comments:
Malabika, the timing if this essay could not possibly be more perfect. Many, many thanks.
Thanks a lot,.
Zing! Yes, we must own it all! Thanks for this insightful post.
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